the wisest thing i've heard this exam period:

"you're never going to study enough, so you might as well go exercise." (or insert whatever else you want to into the italicized part)

i guess that's a new fact starting now and for the rest of my life.

life is changing

my life has been changing a lot since i started here at queen's in september.

i have prepared and packed more lunches these past couple weeks than i have in my entire life. i'd say i pack about 3 lunches per week now. it's been almost the same thing every time - sandwiches, of course. i used to be completely against packing lunches, because i was lazy, didn't want to wake up slightly earlier, and wasn't particularly fond of sandwiches. all of those things still apply now, but the weight of saving money (campus food is expensive) and eating healthier have won out.

my MSN time has reached a new record low. i find that i am too busy and have too much stuff to do to afford to be distracted when i finally get a chance to sit at home. i think i have averaged 2 hours or less on MSN per day, as opposed to the usual 6 or 7 i'm used to.

i find myself skipping fellowship now (well, i'm attending 2 fellowships right now, so i sometimes skip one and sometimes the other). i have to admit, slight judgment used to pass through me in the past when i saw people skipping fellowship - a sort of idea that God or fellowship or their spiritual life wasn't as important to them. i remember in my first year of university, i never skipped fellowship unless i absolutely HAD to (ie. i was going to toronto for the weekend so i wasn't physically in town, or i had an exam at the same time). even when i had a major exam the next morning, i still made it out to acf. i thought it was important, and in my mind going to fellowship was "right". but now, a problem arises - many of my classmates usually decide to hang out or do something on friday nights (when kccf meets). and i seem to be able to better justify skipping fellowship and hanging out with them rather than going to fellowship (note: CMDS meets on thursday nights, which i think is a very smart plan. so i still do get fellowship with other Christians there). my premise is - if you live your whole life in a Christian bubble and never make meaningful relationships with non-Christians, one of the most essential reasons of your life is nullified. and of course, the only way to form meaningful relationships is to spend time with people. my justification is not "i want to hang out with my friends because i don't want to be a loner in my class" or "i like my med friends better than my kccf friends" or "going out is more fun than going to fellowship" or "i want to hang out with my friends because i want to make friends in my class" - it's "i want to spend time with my classmates, so that i can form meaningful relationships with them, so that i can show God's love to them, glorify Him in my life, and share my faith with them". although i may be biased, i personally don't think any of the reasons except the last one are "justifiable" for skipping fellowship (although that may change, because i used to think that almost nothing was justifiable for skipping fellowship - i didn't understand as much about life back then).

i have never been this busy in my life. well, in terms of school work, i have had more. but in terms of being able to balance so many different obligations and responsibilties in my life, this is a new high. i have to admit, i'm struggling with balancing school, extracurricular clubs/interest groups, intramural sports, 2 fellowships, church and daily devotions, observerships, pursuing other activites/interests to keep me sane, exercising to stay healthy, time with Christian friends, time with non-Christian friends, keeping up relationships from before i came to queen's, and my girlfriend. to be honest, i'm failing hard right now. i need to learn to balance. i need more time.

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on another note, i saw "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" tonight - GREAT movie. highly recommended. it is not the cheesy kids' movie we all expected. it is humour made for my personality and age group. the theatre was filled with parents with their kids, and a group of us med students at the back. and we were the only ones laughing throughout most of the movie. i don't think the kids understood most of the jokes - but i thoroughly enjoyed it. i would even watch it again.

blessed.

more often than not, when both good and bad things are happening in my life, i dwell on all the negatives. this must be one of the few times where i have (without having to force myself) dwelled on the good.

perhaps it is working. by "it", i mean my letting go of my emo-ness and pessimism. i was considering shutting this blog down (although i ended up being too lazy to do so and start another blog), because this was my emo vent where i pretty much let myself bleed it all out for the better part of the past four and a half years (given that the majority of the most emo posts never made it past the "save as draft" stage). in leaving western, i pretty much had to "let go" of a lot. "let go" of some friendships, of my comfort and my security, of what was, what is, and what might have been. i thought that in starting a new phase of my life, it would be good to also let go of my pessimism and self-pity, and try more of this "joy" thing for a change. and surely enough, perhaps it is working.

this first week has had its ups and downs. the friendships are still slow in forming, i have had trouble initiating and maintaining conversations with strangers, i have had more than my fair share of awkward moments, my insecurity about myself has come front and centre, i have stood out very much as one of the very few who do not drink, and i have probably been given labels in both the minds of myself and of others that are not labels i want to have. a pretty miserable first week, and a huge fail as far as making new friends, fitting in, and socializing go.

and yet, i can't help but realize how blessed i am. the fact that i have so many people who are praying for me, even if i hadn't asked for it. and that i have an amazing family, girlfriend, and friends who are so supportive and take the time to listen, encourage, and support me at any time. the fact that i have friends who understand exactly what i am going through, more than i ever could have imagined, such that they can empathize and offer words of wisdom. the fact that i know so many people in kingston, many of whom are so selfless and loving, that i can turn to for advice, food, help, or anything else. and of course, the fact that i found a couple other guys who weren't drinking, who i could talk to while everyone else was doing their thing. yes, despite the sorrow and fear, the failures and current situation, i still can't help but realize that i am blessed in so many ways.

i started reading exodus the other day, and the main thing from the first chapter that stuck out to me was "God blesses those who fear Him". stick to your morals. flee from sin. love the Lord your God. pray and believe. and you'll be fine.

one day, you're going to wake up and see that everything has changed. and then, you'll realize how good you had it.

i woke up at 3:57 this morning, because i was really really thirsty. it was still dark outside. i decided to go downstairs and get a drink. i drank half a cup of orange juice.

it's now 6:12. i haven't been able to fall back asleep. it's really bright outside.

i think i could have seen the sunrise. but my house faces south, and i can only see so much to the left out of my window. instead, i resorted to watching the tree outside my house reflect different shades of light. it was red before. now it's kind of orange and yellow. i feel like i missed something.

i think a fly died while climbing up my window. i saw it yesterday in the afternoon, around 2 or 3 pm. i decided not to go over and kill it. now, i just realized that it's still there, in the same position. i wonder what happened.

the mark of a pessimist

this week, i've realized one of the things about me that helps classify me as a pessimist.

quite honestly, i have to admit that i have at least a couple things that many people my age would envy me for, and if they had what i had, they would be pretty happy. i also look at my life and see at least a couple things that cause me to be not so happy. and for me, the sad things are able to outweigh the happy things. or maybe not outweigh necessarily, but they take priority in controlling my thoughts and my mood. it's not that i take what i have for granted - 'cause i don't. it's also not that i place more worth in the bad things than the good things. it's just that the negative feelings from the bad drown out the positive feelings from the good.

so for example, something good happens in my life. but from that good thing sprouts out a bad thing that is probably more trivial than the good thing that happened. but instead of still being overjoyed by the fact that i have the original good thing, the little bad thing is enough to make me feel sad and down. or, in another scenario, i have a really good thing, and also a not so happy thing. and the not so happy thing pretty much controls my mood.

i'm not a pessimist in the sense that i will manage to find a bad thing in every possible situation, even when there is nothing bad around. no, that's not me. the things i get upset about are legit, most of the time. it's simply that one bad thing, whether big or small, takes precedence in my mind over all the other good things.

i'm starting to think that being a pessimist derives from being an idealist and a perfectionist. it's hard for me to be truly beaming unless everything i really care about is the way i wish it was (key phrase: "i really care about"). and if something is not the way i wish it was, then the "ideal" world is shattered, and i'm feeling down.

yea, the more i think about it, the more it makes sense - my idealistic/perfectionist nature (which i probably see most in my work ethic) probably leaks over to cause my pessimistic side. it's just like how today, at worship practice, buttug helped me realize how my pessimistic / emo nature spills over into my music - my voice is naturally lower and my innate metronome is slower. slow + low = emo. funny how every part of you is connected, somehow.

on jon and kate plus 8

this must be the first time i've ever blogged about something media-related. this must also be the first time i've ever actually cared about a "celebrity" or someone famous. i mean, you're reading from a guy who can't tell the difference between sandra bullock, julia roberts, and anne hathaway.

but last night was the season premier of the new season of jon and kate plus 8. i only watched the show for the first time some 5 or 6 months ago or so, but i have definitely fallen in love with it. the kids are absolutely adorable (and of course, coming from a guy who loves kids). SO cute. i've watched as many episodes as are posted on youtube (as watching an episode of jon and kate plus 8 was what i did whenever i got bored of studying for my exams, which sometimes was every 45 minutes), and it saddens me that i don't have TLC at home.

and of course, it also saddens me that.... well we all know what i'm talking about, don't we?

oh alexis, you break my heart. it's so sad, how big of a mess they're in, and how the kids are completely oblivious to it (or at least the sextuplets are. i can't convince myself that the twins still have no idea that something's going on...).

you know, only since this whole scandal (or whatever you call it) thing came up have i realized how stupid and pathetic the paparazzi, tabloid publishers, etc. are (and this has nothing to do with whether or not i think either of them actually cheated or not). i mean, if your life is dedicated to following other people around and photographing them and finding out what they do with their lives and making up stories about what they do in their life... well, i'm sorry, but your life is pretty sad. if you spend your life stalking someone else's life..... your life is going nowhere and your life lacks any valuable meaning whatsoever. like seriously, get a life of your own.

i feel very sorry for the whole family. i can't imagine being followed and photographed everywhere i go. i can't imagine what it's like to have people camped outside your house 24/7. i can understand why jon says it's like being in prison. i also can't imagine what it's like to have people distort the truth or totally make the "truth" up about you (....okay well maybe i can, *cough cough*, but not on as large a scale as this..).

oh, and on mady - i feel so bad for her. i think out of all the kids this show is the worst for her, because for 4 seasons she has been portrayed as a whiny, mean, selfish, annoying, etc. little.... girl. i'm just trying to think how this will affect her making friends as she grows up. i would definitely be biased to dislike her before i actually talked to her, if she was in my class. i'm glad that in the first episode of this 5th season, she has showed a more mature, caring, and sweet side (for at least part of the episode). hopefully this is where things start turning around for her.

i love this family so much. it's kind of weird. i'm sort of fascinated by how i (and probably millions of other people) can be so attached to a family i don't even know. but i am, and i find myself so touched by the sadness of their situation that i actually pray for them. weird, huh? maybe i only pray for them because they're "Christians", lol.

sighhh.